My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
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Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“Huge”.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Just parrot things
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor