While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I don’t make the rules sorry
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving