Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA