And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The Compass
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.