Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.