Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
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This was a bad idea all around
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
They’re not wrong