Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Something Saturday.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock