Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Dietest Coke
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old