them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE