I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Cinematography is my passion
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.