Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
You Might Also Like
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Are you ok, human???
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.