Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
You Might Also Like
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
A classic…
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.