4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
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If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.