when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Trumpy Cat
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?