Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.