[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose