We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
#parenting
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator