“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.