Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I’m having an out of money experience.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
wtf is an acronym
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone