Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
i’m still crying at this
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
life finds a way
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.