*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
somebody come look at this
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?