we’re gonna need another temp
You Might Also Like
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.