“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
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Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles