The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
HR said no more nunchucks.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…