If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.