The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.