Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Free him
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”