After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
SPLOOT
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”