USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies