It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
You Might Also Like
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Meow
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Finally!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
What?!?