microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight