Jupiter
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
kevin is now a local weatherman
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
All excellent questions
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*