Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Holy moly
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.