[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up