*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
You Might Also Like
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man