My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
screw you
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America