i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?