Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight