Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I hate everything
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am