Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache