Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
just having fun
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?