no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
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Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
figuring out my emotional availability:
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Finally!
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy