*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.