If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]