Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human