*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.