Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
PLOT TWIST:
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.