“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
You Might Also Like
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
A wise man once said nothing.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Anyone want a chair?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”