fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.