Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no